


Two Times Round

by lambient



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), Youngblood - 5 Seconds Of Summer (Album)
Genre: ANGSTY ANGST ANGST, Character Death, F/M, Love, Summer, and major depression, but also it's kind of a funny story too so maybe you might like it???, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-16 14:38:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17551586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lambient/pseuds/lambient
Summary: When Fonnie McAlister is involved in a boating accident that claims the life of her twin sister Ansley, she develops a fear of water and moving forward. In a last-ditch attempt to bring back their daughter her parents decide to vacation in Florida for the summer.Chaos ensues when she accidentally gets a job at an old water park and somehow gets involved with notorious goofball Calum Hood.





	1. prologue

This is the standstill, where you'd fear we'd remain forever. 

July 2017

It's hot and sticky here, but it's hot and sticky everywhere. In Iowa the summers were unpredictable, even more so than the winters. It wouldn't have been so bad but when you had Ansley groaning every three seconds - 

Fonnie it's like totally unbearable, we have to go to the lake. 

It was a little harder to ignore the incessant heat. Which is how Fonnie had ended up at the lake, on a boat her sister's boyfriend owned -

Which is like totally hot, oh my god. Fonnie he can drive it. Like actually drive it. 

Despite her protests Ansley wouldn't hear no for an answer, she was always like that. Persistent, and got what she wanted. Even when you had your mind made up Ansley could change it. And truth be told Fonnie had always been somewhat of a push over. She'd always been more reserved of the two girls. 

"Are you sure this is safe? Can he actually drive it, drive it. Or?" Fonnie had found her whisper yelling into her bikini clad twin sister's ear. In fear Ansley's bleach blonde boyfriend could hear. She shouldn't have worried, he didn't pay attention to anything that wasn't about him. 

"Topher's like an expert, aren't you Toph?" Ansley had giggled in that school girl way, looking all at once a girl in love and a girl unafraid of the world. How she could have been both Fonnie didn't know. But Ansley had always been like that she supposed. 

"Of course babe, I've driven it like six times. I am practically over qualified." He chuckled, his voice full and resonating in that way it does when you have no cares in the world. When you know who you are and who you're going to be tomorrow. He had one hand on the wheel, and another wrapped around a cup. 

"Oh great six times. Of course I shouldn't be worried." Fonnie mumbled under her breath as she traipsed away from the giggling couple. Topher had one of those nice boats, with the cushioned seats and decorative throw pillows. Well technically it wasn't Topher's, it was his dad's. But his dad didn't care one way or the other about it anymore. 

Fonnie settled herself into the seats, glad she was wearing her obnoxious orange life jacket even if it was uncomfortable and as Ansley put it - 

So disgusting, I would rather die than wear one of those. 

But Fonnie never cared much about her appearance, at least not in the way Ansley did. For example, Ansley's hair fell in perfect ringlets around her shoulders, not a single strand out of place. Despite the complaint that -

It's so hot, and like omg Fonnie, I look literally gross. I would be so embarrassed if anyone saw me like this. 

Ansley looked good. She knew she looked good because she always does. Where Ansley was perfect and golden and popular, Fonnie was perfectly happy to wear her frizzy hair in a low ponytail. Not worried that her orange life jacket made her look like a carrot, because being safe was more important. Being safe was always more important. 

Fonnie had gotten about four pages into her book when loud whooping noises had brought her attention back to her giddy older sister. Topher was now hollering and cheering on Ansley as she stood at the edge of the boat where the railing reached the top of her thigh. She giggled and pressed dangerously close to it, begging Topher to go faster. 

A nervous sick feeling settled its way deep into Fonnie's stomach as she watched her sister, dangerously close to the edge. Dangerously close to falling in. She felt even worse as the boat picked up speed, they were miles away from the doc. 

"Hey, Ansley, maybe you shouldn't do that." Fonnie heard herself call, her voice hoarse in the way it gets when you haven't talked in a while. She clears her throat. Ansley however must not have heard her because she flings her arms open wide and she lets out a scream. 

One that promises never to end, and to keep going. One that declares we are young and free and this is our world. One that belongs to her and the world. 

At this point Fonnie's stomach is doing flips, she has no support. One wrong move could send the girl hurtling over the edge. She abandons her book on the comfortable seat and cautiously makes her way to her sister. Worried that she might startle the girl into tripping over the edge. 

"Ansley." Fonnie calls out carefully as she rests a hand gently on her sisters shoulder. The older girl looks down at her younger sister and smiles. One of those rare smiles she reserves only for the people she loves. Only when she is truly happy. 

"Fonnie, it's brilliant isn't it? We own this world. All of it." She grins as she faces towards the churning lake water spanning out for forever in front of her forever. "I hope we're always like this." She grins wildly soaking in the sun. 

"Ansley you're scaring me, come away from the edge please." Fonnie tries to reason with her sister, tries to bring her back down to Earth. 

"Fonnie lighten up. It feels amazing. To be young! Oh, I hope we're young forever." She cries happily. A girl with no fear. Never any fear. 

"I am just scared you're going to fall in please. Let's go sit down or something." Fonnie rationalizes but Ansley shakes her head. Her loose curls flapping furiously in the wind. 

"I am not going to fall; how can I fall in? How can anything bad happen when we're this free. It's exhilarating."  
Fonnie chances a look back at Topher who is only half steering, he’s downing his cup of whatever the hell he has. Her nerves settle in deep in her stomach, twisting and low.  
“Hey, Topher, slow down a little!” Fonnie calls to him. He looks up, but the wind is loud and so is the motor and he can’t hear her. Or he can’t hear everything she says so he chuckles and pushes the boat even further. The sudden lurch sends Ansley off balance and at the sound of her yelp Fonnie lurches forward to latch on her sister.  
And then there is only pressure, deep, and wet and suffocating.  
\--


	2. chapter one

**_With shortness of breath you explained the infinite_ **

**August 2017**

Fonnie had been to a funeral before, she’d been to two actually. Her great grandpa’s when she was three, and her third cousin twice removed when she was seven. She didn’t cry at either. She remembered all the solemn faces, and she remembered Ansley. Holding her hand. Two seven-year old’s together, together against the world. They were in a fight with their mom, well Ansley was, and they had always had each other’s backs. So, when Ansley was in a fight so was Fonnie.

Ansley had wanted to wear her pretty new purple dress, but their mom told her no, told her she had to wear her black dress because they needed to pay their respects. Ansley, however, wasn’t having any of it, she cried so hard she threw up.

_Mommy I’ll die, the black dress is itchy and it’s so ugly and I can’t do it!_

Their mom was immovable however, not even Ansley - who at seven was already a force to be reckoned with - could change her mind.

This funeral was different, because the person holding her hand wasn’t Ansley. It wasn’t Ansley and Fonnie against the world anymore it was just Fonnie. Because Ansley hadn’t been wearing a life jacket, or maybe that wouldn’t have even helped anyways because she’d probably still hit her head, and there had still been blood. And struggling, and floating, and gasping. Ansley would still be dead because that’s how the world worked, isn’t it?

Fonnie had to close her eyes tightly to banish the horrific memories from her mind, had to because then she’d start that choking sobbing thing she had developed recently. Fonnie never used to cry. Only sometimes when Ansley swore they weren’t sisters anymore. Only ever when Ansley refused to play with her. Because everything else could be rationalized, she could live without everything else. But Ansley, she could never live without her.

She stood off to the side as her sister’s coffin was slowly being lowered into the ground, cluttered with flowers and cards and promises to never be forgotten. Everything had taken on a sort of silence, people were talking and crying. She’s pretty sure she was crying, but she couldn’t hear any of that. Could only hear the beat of her heart thrumming wildly in her ear. She had one of those headaches, the ones that feel permanent after you’ve cried for a long time.

The girl in the coffin wasn’t her sister anymore, she was lifeless, and her hair didn’t hold the same shine to it anymore. Her skin was tinted purple and that wasn’t okay. Wasn’t normal, even with the makeup. Because Fonnie knew for sure if Ansley had to have a funeral, had to have died. Then she’d at least be dolled up because –

_Oh my god! I would die, just literally die if I didn’t have makeup on at my funeral. And not just anyone can do it because like it has to be like good. I only trust you Fonnie. Not to do it, of course. But you know to find someone who can, someone famous. Oh my gosh, get NikkieTutorials to do my makeup._

 

Ansley had laughed then, giddy at the thought. Because if she was going out it would be with style. She didn’t think this was something she’d ever have to worry about, neither did Fonnie. Which is why Fonnie had laughed at her sister’s request and made a joke about how ridiculous the very idea was.

But it wasn’t so ridiculous now, Fonnie thought. She couldn’t exactly get ahold of NikkieTutorials but she did hire some makeup artist who was comfortable working on a corpse. Which sounds very gruesome, and that’s only because it is.

Ansley was also wearing a purple dress, a brand new one she’d got recently. Her mother had denied her request last time, but not this time. Through this all Fonnie hated the idea that that was her sister going in and not ever coming out, which, god, was literally impossible. Fonnie could still hear Ansley’s voice. She could still hear it like it never left, like her lungs never got full of water, like they never exhaled again.

Fonnie was also wearing a purple dress, the same one as her sister to be exact. Because this is the very last time she’d ever get to match with her twin again, because Ansley would have wanted it. She would have been like –

_Ugh, gag me. What is this, a funeral? So much black, it’s actually making me so depressed. Good job Fonnie, you did it. You beat mom._

And Fonnie began crying, no she was already crying, she was just crying harder now. Because Ansley wasn’t here and Fonnie was just making things up now. Grasping at straws because that’s the way it’d be now. And Fonnie wants to reach out to her, to hold her hand and say, _No. It was you who won. Always you._

But she can’t because Ansley isn’t here anymore.

\--

Topher didn’t even come to the funeral, which Fonnie only knew because later that day he’d stopped by at her house. To let her know he was leaving. It was almost like he thought she’d care, like he thought they could share something. Fonnie’s grief was hers, and whatever Topher felt, that could be his. But keep it far away from her because she didn’t think she could take another mountain of grief.

God, Fonnie had never liked Topher. Tolerated him because Ansley could see something she didn’t. Ansley was like that though, could always see things people couldn’t. She could look at the stars and see paintings, but Fonnie could look and just see dots.

“Hey. I just wanted to let you know I am sorry for not making it to the funeral. My family’s uh – we’re leaving. Like for good. So, uh yeah.” Topher had rubbed the back of his neck and shuffled his feet. Swallowed hard and blinked rapidly. The way his voice cracked was familiar, because Fonnie heard it in her own voice. But she wasn’t going to sympathize with him. Because whatever he was feeling, she was feeling so much worse.

“Alright then, I wish you the best. I hope you find a way to be happy again.” Because however much animosity she felt towards Topher, he didn’t kill her sister. He was no more a grown man than she was a woman. They were both little kids way in over their heads. Together only in their grief.

“You too, Fon. God, everyone wants good things for you.” He chokes out and then he hugs her. He actually hugs her and Fonnie thought it’d be different. That’d it’d feel weird coming from a boy with an IQ of like four. But it didn’t, it felt like every other hug she’d received. _Hollow and odd, and why am I even letting this person touch me?_

She pulls away before she lets herself get lost in it. Before she cries anymore because god knows she’s done enough crying. He lets his hands rest limply at his side before giving her a half smile. One that’s full of sadness. And then he’s gone.

 _It must be nice,_ Fonnie had thought. _To be able to leave, to get away and not be stuck here where everything reminds you of who you’ve lost. Who you can’t ever get back._ She watches Topher leave, and she stays in the doorway her body pressed against it for support long after he’s gone. Can’t bring herself to look away.

_Dude, Fonnie. You’re being like totally depressing._

Ansley’s voice rung heavy in her ears, bouncing through her mind. The only place it’d ever be again. With that Fonnie closes the door and goes back to writing the thank you notes her mother had insisted where necessary.

“Because I have so many casseroles I won’t need to cook anything for the next month, and Fonnie when people do things for you, you thank them.” Her mother had chided in that way that mothers do. Her voice soft, still wounded and not over the loss of her child. Her mother shared many qualities with Ansley, they both had recklessly wild personalities. Were both free, and unrestrained. Talked loudly, not because they wanted to be heard but because they knew they were already being listened to.

Fonnie had never been brave like Ansley or her mother. She related much more to her father. In that she’d rather read a book or do something alone. Not keen to catch the public eye. How her mother and father ended up together she wasn’t sure, never would you find two people more opposite.

She remembered sitting on her parents lap as they fondly retold the story of how they met, her mother had told them something different every time. Always creating elaborate tales, two people never destined to meet but with entwined lives all the same. Ansley liked to chime in and suggest her own ideas. Her brain full and buzzing as she thought of all the different possibilities. Fonnie was much more content just listening to the wild stories wondering which one was true.

Ansley was obsessed with the idea of love, determined to find who she’d belong to and who’d belong to her. She’d dated many boys, none of them ever really lasted that long though.

_He picks his nose, and like mommy says all boys pick their nose. So, I am swearing off of dating because like ew. I don’t want to hold hands with you if you’ve just been like digging for gold, ugh. Fonnie why do we have to live in Iowa? Why can’t we live in like New York or something? That’s probably where my soulmate is, waiting for me._

They’d been eleven at this time, two weeks later Ansley had broken her vow and was in a passionate love affair with a boy two grades older than her. Their relationship was innocent, they’d just play cards and he’d occasionally let Ansley paint his nails.

_He’s like perfect, he watches every single movie I want to watch, and he did my makeup once and it was like actually good. I love him. Fon. I actually love him, we’re soulmates._

Fonnie remembered how Ansley had cried for hours four weeks later when he came out as gay.

_God, I should have known! He asked me what kind of moisturizer I used. Now everyone is going to remember me as the girl who turned her boyfriend gay._

Fonnie remembered laughing hysterically at her twin sister, because even at eleven Ansley was already beautiful. Beautiful in that little kid way that promises more to come, promises to turn heads.

_Are you like actually laughing at me? Ugh, It’s not funny! I hope every boy you date picks his nose!_

Ansley had screamed, irritated at how little sympathy her sister had showed her. And when Fonnie insisted that it really was quiet funny Ansley picked her tear stained face up from her pillow and began howling with laughter. Because yeah, it really was kind of funny.

 Fonnie felt that sharp pain in her chest that had found a home in her since that day. She made her way over to the kitchen table where her mother sat furiously typing away at her laptop, coffee mug in one hand. Her hair was thrown into a messy bun and she was wearing sweat pants. Fonnie’s mother did not wear sweat pants.

She wore paint suits and had her hair pulled into tight buns and was never late for work. She was always busy, always looking for something to do. She was a real estate agent, she loved her job. She loved working and Fonnie had never seen her mother this out of sorts.

 Except for when her dad forgot their anniversary when she was nine, but it had been late, and she’d only saw her mother through the crack of her door. Ansley was peeking through the crack whispering a play by play. Finally, Fonnie had pushed her way forward and caught a glimpse of her sobbing mother, no makeup, hair falling in long wavy ringlets down her back.

Her mother was the strongest person she’d ever met. She had this kind of rule, you’re allowed to be sad and grieve but only for a little while. Once you’ve mourned your loss, mourned what you can’t change you pick yourself up and you keep going. You keep going because the alternative isn’t an option. Not to her mother.

“Mom are you feeling okay?” Fonnie heard herself ask, wrapping her arms around her body as she sat down at the table. Feeling cold all over.

“Of course, never better.” She laughed sardonically, still tapping away.

“You’re drinking coffee, last time I checked you didn’t drink coffee.” She reminded her not unkindly.

“We’ve all picked up our vices Fonnie. This one’s mine.” She sighed tiredly. She was right, her father drank a lot more now than he’d ever had before. Fonnie didn’t really talk about her feelings anymore. Not that she’d ever been particularly into sharing them. Ansley could always coax out her feelings.

“Where’s dad?” Fonnie asked innocently, watching as her mother’s face slowly scrunched up as she thought of her husband only with disdain.

“Hell, if I know where that man is.” She scowls, and Fonnie’s chest feels tight again. Because her mother didn’t talk like this, only when she was really angry and never about her father. Her parents loved each other. They talked to each other and they certainly didn’t fight. Not like this.

“Okay…” Fonnie trails off, twiddling her thumbs. Looking for something to talk about, something to take the tension away. “What’s uh, uhm for dinner?”

“Take your pick. Casserole, casserole, casserole…” She pauses as she rummages through the fridge. “Ohh, meat loaf, and uh… casserole.” Fonnie sighs, not very hungry. Not sure she’d ever be hungry again.

“Yeah I am not really feeling it either. Do you want to go out tonight? Just us two?” She asks good naturedly, as she closes the fridge and reclaims her spot at the kitchen table.

“I am okay. I think uhm, I am just going to take these up to my room.” Fonnie declines, gathering all of her supplies in her arms. Her mother sighs and she feels a pang of regret for leaving the woman alone. But Fonnie knows she’s the strongest woman she’d ever met. This wouldn’t break her. She’d be okay.

\--


	3. chapter two

**Chapter Two**

**_And I’d call out an ending_ **

**_If you’d hold it against me_ **

****

**May 2018**

_I have like carpal tunnel from how many yearbooks I signed._

 

Fonnie could hear Ansley’s voice louder than she would have liked, it was everywhere. Filling the halls as she passed things that could only ever be reminders of who wasn’t here anymore. It was the last day of junior year, and it felt hollow. As everything felt nowadays. This time last year she was walking arm an arm with her sister. Ansley had been decked out in athletic shorts, ready to beat everybody at dodgeball.

 

That’s the sort of thing their high school liked to do, there wasn’t much in way of activities large groups of children could do, so they had to improvise. In middle school they’d walk over to the movie theater a few blocks from the school. Or they’d send the little kids on buses to the YMCA. The high school however just had an annual dodgeball tournament that you could partake in after finals.

 

Ansley did it every year. It was optional, of course, but almost everyone stayed. They made it a competition, the football players had a team, the basketball players did too, even the marching band had one. You’d be surprised at what kind of upper body strength a group of skinny little trumpet players possessed.

 

All the other band kids sat in the stands with their instruments. They were the best fans, cheering for everyone, and anyone. Not sure why they were cheering, just liked the adrenaline and being a part of something bigger than themselves. Fonnie had sat nestled between the others in her section, flute clutched tightly to her chest as she watched her sister anxiously. Sure, she didn’t play sports but that didn’t mean she didn’t love them as much as her sister.

 

She loved the rush of winning, and the promise of more. That this season wasn’t over but in fact just beginning. That’s how she felt after any successful marching band competition, or flute solo. She figured the activity might be different, but the rapture was the same.

 

Ansley was the most competitive person Fonnie had ever met. Next to her mother, of course. More so even than the entire wrestling team. The past two years she had vowed she’d lead the girls to victory, and the last two years they lost to the boys’ basketball team.

 

This year Fonnie couldn’t bring herself to stay and watch, couldn’t bring herself to feel her sister’s absence in front of all these people. On her way-out Lauren Wallace stopped her, Lauren had been the co-captain of the volleyball team last year with Ansley.

 

“Hey, Fonnie. We’re doing like this big tribute thing for Ansley at the dodgeball tournament. We’d love it if you could speak on her behalf. Or even just come check it out. It’d mean a lot to us.” Her voice was soft in that way it always was when people were tip-toeing around her. As if she had _fragile; handle with care_ written across her forehead.

 

“I really have to get home, we’re leaving tonight and I just… I can’t…” Fonnie starts off strong and firm, but her voice slowly falters as she wills Lauren to realize the hidden meaning. She’s not ready, she doesn’t think she’ll ever be ready. It’s only a half lie. Her family was leaving tonight. To go on some vacation that would supposedly absolve Fonnie of all her grief. Or something. Her mother had gone to this seminar about how to deal with loss and figured she was probably a licensed therapist now. Fonnie was already packed, she’d been packed for two days now. She just liked being prepared, Ansley would have been scrambling last minute once she’d gotten home.

 

“Hey, no problem. I get it. I hope you have a good summer.” She smiles in that too nice kind of way, disappointed but not willing to let you know she is. She does this awkward finger gun thing as she walks away smiling. Fonnie lets out a deep sigh as she turns on her heels ready to once again say goodbye to John Addams high school for the summer.

 

\--

“Oh good, I am glad you’re home. We planned on leaving to catch an early dinner and then head to the airport. I’ve got all our stuff in the car, you just need to take your suitcases out there.” Was Fonnie’s mothers greeting. She said we, but she meant I, because she didn’t make decisions with her father anymore. No longer was parenting a team effort but a war zone.  She was buzzing around the kitchen making sure she had all her last-minute things done before they were ready to head out for their three-month long vacation.

 

“Oh, and can you get your father from the garage?” Her mother called from the living room as Fonnie pulled out the bar stool tucked into the island, so she could set her almost empty book-bag down.

 

“Uh, sure.” She called in response as she followed the steps leading from the kitchen down to the garage where her father spent most of his time. He painted portraits for a living and was quite popular, or as popular as you can be when you live in Iowa. He owned his own art gallery. Ever since Ansley died he picked up this weird abstract painting thing. Fonnie couldn’t remember the last time he’d painted a portrait of anybody.  

 

As Fonnie made her way into the garage the smell of acrylic paint hung heavily in the air. Her father’s finished art work was displayed along the walls or placed in weird piles around the garage. They had one car in the garage so that kind of limited him on his space. He has his own studio, but he refuses to paint in there anymore. Fonnie doesn’t know why but she’s sure it probably has something to do with Ansley.

 

He sat at a bar stool paint adorning his heavily bearded face and clothes. He was looking at the painting quizzically, as if begging it to show him its secrets. Fonnie’s dad was never a very big people person, but now he could spend forever talking to his paintings.  Looking for things only he could see, he was like Ansley in that way. Always able to see the bigger picture, to see _more._

 

“Hey dad.” Fonnie called out to her dad half-heartedly. Everything had been odd since Ansley died. There was this huge divide between her parents. Where her mom wanted to move on with her life and drag the other two along with her dad wanted to stay behind. He spent most of his time drinking in the garage, remembering his lost child.

 

Fonnie’s dad probably didn’t care one way or the other if he went on vacation with them, her mom probably didn’t care if he came either but lately they’d been in the business of pretending everything was okay. In an attempt to soothe their child, the only one they had left, a perfect example of faking it to you make it. Of course, Fonnie knew better.

 

“Hey Fon.” He called out as he began making careful brush strokes. Fonnie sauntered over to her father. The smell of whiskey strong, even though it was barely four in the afternoon. “Come to check out how my master piece is coming along?”

 

“Urh, Mom wanted me to get you. Said we were leaving early.” Fonnie hummed, rocking back in forth on both of her feet. Feeling awkward and a little bit angry. Mostly she felt tired. Tired of being the messenger. She wasn’t a bridge, she couldn’t tie the two together any more than she could bring Ansley back. She was tired of trying to make her parents love each other again.

 

“Couldn’t have come down here herself?” He grunted brutishly as he took another swig of his dwindling bottle of alcohol. “I’ll be up in a minute.” All the softness his voice originally held at beholding his youngest child was gone. Now only anger.

 

All at once she was struck so hard with a memory she was left winded, it’s amazing what you can remember at the switch of a voice.

 

_She had been playing by herself, which mostly consisted of picking wildflowers and naming them. Her father and Ansley were off playing hide and seek somewhere or something._

_“Daddy watch!” Fonnie could see her now just like she could all those years ago, watched as the small child did a cartwheel. Fonnie was still mastering not tripping over her own feet so she didn’t even attempt to learn. Not even when Ansley offered to teach her. Their game of hide and seek must of have been over by then._

_“I am watching princess.” He had chuckled, true to his word he was watching her and only her, with a smile only dads could possess when forced to watch their child do something woefully unspectacular.  Ansley loved being the center of attention, loved being the center of his attention._

_“Did you see, did you see?” Of course, he’d saw her, he’d only been looking at her, always her. Ansley knew that. For some reason or the other their mother had called Ansley into the house, so with only minimal grouching she sauntered inside. Leaving Fonnie alone with her father. He had traipsed over to her bending down, so he was eye level with the small child. Eyes traveling over the collection of flowers she’d gathered._

_“Watcha doing pumpkin?” He had asked while stroking her head affectionately. Fonnie looked up at him, her eyes glazed over at the mention of her father’s nickname for her._

_“I am going to put them in my room, so they can talk to me whenever they want.” She had stated matter o’factly, and later that day she did put them in her room. Had talked to them, with them, as if she could breathe life into those already wilting petals._

_“What do you mean?” He had asked dumbfounded by his child’s explanation, he had expected a simple their pretty. That’s what he would have gotten from Ansley, even as surprising and whimsical as his oldest daughter was she was still only child. Was only drawn to things because of their beauty._

_“Well they’re always calling to me daddy and they always seem so lonely you know? They get bored talking to just each other.” He listened to her in awe, because even at five his daughter was already something new to this world. Maybe he was reading too much into her vague explanations but that night he’d painted his youngest child surrounded by wild flowers. It had gone on to be one of his bestselling pieces._

_“That’s beautiful, Fonnie.” He had said, and he had meant it. She hadn’t at the time understood what he meant. Didn’t know that he had meant her._

Fonnie swallowed hard, shaking her head. Her throat feeling tight, always the precursor to something more. Usually a tidal wave of tears she only knew how to drown in. Only moments had passed but to her, traveling back to the present it’d been years.  

 

She gave a subtle nod. So subtle she probably shouldn’t have even nodded in the first place and scurried back upstairs. Trying to get away from his sadness. Because she had her own and if hers was the thunder storm his was the tornado.

 

Fonnie was making great strides, everyone said so. Except she didn’t tell them she still heard Ansley’s voice like it never left, she didn’t tell anyone that. Part of her was scared they’d call her crazy, but a bigger part of her wanted to keep it.

 

Because it was the only way she’d ever get to hear Ansley’s voice again and she’d rather live in the past now a days anyways. She didn’t see anything wrong with it, after all what did the future have that was so great? What was so _wrong_ about living in the past when that was the only place Ansley existed now.

“Okay, we’re all set.” Her mom hummed loudly, proudly as she looked around the room. Nodding her head as if she had accomplished something. Which she had, of course. Fonnie’s mother was always accomplishing things. Always pushing forward as if nothing could ever bother her.

 

_Alright, let’s blow this popsicle stand._

 

Ansley would have said, would have groaned in impatience even though she’d just managed to get her haphazardly packed suitcase in the car. She would have saw this as an adventure, a chance to make the world hers.

 

\--

Dinner had been really awkward. Fonnie couldn’t remember the last time she’d actually had dinner with both of her parents. The tension was thick and palpable. And not for the first time she found herself wishing to be swallowed.

 

Her parents didn’t really talk to each other it was more through each other. Or well through Fonnie.

Anything said directed to the other was done so through gritted teeth. Fonnie hated being stuck in the middle. If Ansley was here she would have called them out. Would have said anything and it would have been okay. Because Ansley could do that kind of thing. She could bring people together and could make them laugh and once again she felt the loss of her sister so sharply she had to take a deep breath.

 

If Ansley where here, they wouldn’t even be fighting in the first place. Fonnie only knew bits and pieces as to why her parents where so angry with each other. She’d accidentally heard them fighting one night.

_“God, Helen! Listen to yourself. You’re insane. She existed, you know. She did, and she was here, and you can’t erase her. You can’t make me move on. That was my daughter, my baby. Just because you can forget her doesn’t mean I can!”_

 

They weren’t being quiet, _I don’t think they know how_ Fonnie had thought. Because their parents never fought, ever. Everything had always been unspoken agreement, but the moment Ansley died everything had changed. Had become colder.

_“I am not trying to forget her I am trying to live my life, I am trying to set a good example for our other daughter. Because yeah, guess what, we have another one! And she needs us to be strong now more than ever.”_

 

 _No,_ Fonnie remembered thinking as she wrapped her arms around her pillow silent tears trailing down her cheek, _I need you to love each other again._

 

_Oh my god, what is happening to you guys? You’re like actually senile. You weren’t supposed to get this cranky yet._

 

 

Now her family sat awkwardly cramped into their car. All of their belongings stuffed into the trunk and overflowing into the backseat. Fonnie sat up front next to her mom, while her dad sat in the back pretending to be asleep. Which was better than forcing a conversation. Because their lips had become chapped from the salt that poured from their body like oxygen, had become chapped from hating each other. They still had another hour before they even reached the airport.

 

_It’s because we live in Iowa, you know there’s like nothing here but corn so._

Fonnie chuckled to herself as she thought of her sister, how she would have been playing some weird word game she created on the spot. Or she would have had the patience of a two-year-old, leaning forward hanging off the back of the seats. The _are we there yet_ question hanging from her lips. Poised and ready to irritate their mother.

 

Which left Fonnie feeling sad, as it always eventually does. Because there are good moments. There are always good moments and she finds herself feeling worse after those than anything else. Because she was happy, she was happy, and her sister wasn’t there to see it. To be the cause of it.

 

Fonnie gave up trying to read on her phone, instead rested her head on the window. Staring at the fields spanning out for miles in front of her, spanning across the horizon. Almost as if they wouldn’t ever end, as if they could go on forever.

 

She felt a deeply rooted familiar ache in the pit of her stomach. She closed her eyes, an attempt to forget, to no longer see. Wishing she could open her eyes and be forever blind. But instead all she saw was a deep green. A mossy green, spanning in front of her forever. The burn of water going down your throat, forcing its way inside of you. Something akin to an unwanted house guest.

 

She could see the surface of the water, could see the sky. Could see how she slowly floated toward the top, groggily and unaware. Her life jacket refusing to sink, refusing to let her follow her sister deeper no matter how hard she’d tried.

 

Ansley wasn’t the first thing that came to her mind when her head broke the surface, she didn’t even think about Topher or the boat. She thought about how much it hurt to breath, and how it burned, and how she wanted to expel every bad thing inside of her.

 

Fonnie’s eyes shoot open, blinking the tears back rapidly. It’d been so long since she’d thought of that day. No that was a lie, she thought of that day all the time. It was the first time she’d remember being underwater and not being able to come up, or breath, but surviving anyways.

 

\--

 

The flight from Iowa to Florida was only about two hours. For some reason Fonnie had thought it would have been much longer. But she didn’t trouble herself with the logistics of it all. They were apparently vacationing in Silver Springs Florida, population 10,000.

 

_Wow, we’re like actually going on vacation, like a real one! But it’s what, maybe one third bigger than our town?_

 

Fonnie could so easily imagine Ansley retorting as she slung her backpack around her shoulder whilst picking up her luggage.  She would have complained the whole ride there but would have hungrily at the scenery up because it was new and –

 

_Oh my god Fonnie there isn’t any corn. There’s like actual trees and nature and birds._

 Fonnie had to shake her head for a moment, the image so bright and painfully familiar she had to remind herself it wasn’t real.  

 

The closest airport was in Gainesville, which was like a forty-five-minute drive from Silver Springs. Where Fonnie’s mother had rented out a house for them to stay in. She didn’t even want to think about the cost of this trip, yeah, her mother was an amazing saleswoman, but her salary alone shouldn’t have been able to cover the expenses.  And she doubted her father would have forked over what he’s been saving for the past five years to cover some come to Jesus moment or whatever the hell her mom thought this trip was going to be.

 

“So Silver Springs isn’t crazy big. But, it’s okay! Ocala is only a fifteen-minute drive and there’s plenty of stuff to do! It’ll be great Fon, so don’t you worry about being bored.” Fonnie’s mother had said confidently bringing the girl out of her thoughts. Pointing out things along the way as if Fonnie could see in the dark.

 

Fonnie wanted to tell her mom it didn’t really matter, that she didn’t think she’d get bored. That she could stay inside every day for three months and still not get bored, wanted to remind her that she wasn’t Ansley. But that didn’t seem like the right thing to say, so she nodded along to what her mother said. Nodded because there wasn’t an alternative. Wasn’t ever an alternative.

 

\--

 

 

 

 


	4. chapter three

Chapter Three

**People drown quietly in front of us all the time.**

**May 2018**

Technically this wasn’t the first vacation Fonnie had been on. _Technically_. But she could hardly call the two-hour long trips to their grandparent’s home in Des Moines vacation.

_It doesn’t even count because we aren’t even leaving Iowa._

Ansley had said grumpy in that pre-teen way. Obsessed with teen magazines and what color her nails were. Fonnie had sat tucked away reading a book, her head rested against the window. Small because there wasn’t room to be anything else, not when Ansley was alive and buzzing. Switching from groaning about how this wasn’t a real vacation and pointing out the window in a frenzy until Fonnie confirmed that yes, she did in fact see the horse.

Their father had told her to think of it like an adventure, which Ansley was good at. Even then when she was worried Monica was stealing her boyfriend, or whether she’d make the varsity volley ball team. Fonnie loved playing make believe with her, she was so creative she could turn anything fun. Even mundane chores like doing the dishes.

Ansley had gotten more self-conscious that summer and refused to play games with Fonnie anymore. Something about growing up and having an image to maintain. As if at twelve and a half the world was already watching her.

Fonnie supposed she didn’t care one way or the other, she didn’t like playing pretend or make believe unless it was with Ansley. All the other kids had a one-track mind, a who’s going to be more powerful or the demand of an even playing field away from tears. Ansley had never been like that, she could create entirely new worlds and without skipping a beat already knowing exactly where you fit into it.

She wasn’t god though.

_There’s what like one tree here. Ugh._

Ansley had complained when they’d reached their grandparents cabin. She was expecting an adventure, unexplored land ready to be claimed. She was rather disappointed when she found out they didn’t exactly have a jungle in their back yard. It was more like a deteriorating barn and a few willow trees.

But Ansley was nothing if not resourceful and had still made that trip unforgettable. Fonnie remembered very vividly that sometimes she’d say things that were so absurdly outside her usual thought process she’d need to repeat herself like –

_What do you think happens when we die? I mean like mom believes in heaven and stuff but if we get a choice I don’t think I want to go. I want to become a tree I think, or maybe even a flower._

Fonnie had looked at her, bizarrely, because she hadn’t ever thought about it. Not really, death was so far away from her twelve-year-old mind. It often made her wonder what Ansley really thought about, if she only had the most recent gossip spinning around up there or if maybe there was more. There was always more when it came to Ansley, she thought about anything, _everything._

Fonnie could see why Ansley wanted to be a tree, because they were deep and rooted and went on for miles. Held things up, and let them go, always expanding in some way or the other.  She could also see why Ansley would want to be a flower, their life was short but exciting and brilliant all the same.  Because,

F _onnie, they came from nothing, and they’ll do it again, and there’s nothing more beautiful than that, I think._

So yeah Fonnie had technically been on a vacation before. But this one was without Ansley.

_Leave it to mom and dad to finally go somewhere cool but wait until I’ve died._

Fonnie thought sardonically conjuring up her sister in the empty space beside her, where she’d be if she were alive. Where she’d never be again.

It was late when they’d made it in last night so there wasn’t much sightseeing or adventuring going on quite yet. Not that she’d want to do any of that, especially when she didn’t have her sister to give everything a wildly amusing and somewhat improbable backstory.

She’d point out a random statue of someone who’d lived centuries ago and she’d give all the reasons it shouldn’t have went up, she’d speak like she was there, like she’d watched it been built. No, like she’d built it herself. And then she’d say something horribly poetic like,

_There were so many reasons, Fon. For it to stay a pile of dirt, so many reasons and they just needed one for it not to be. So many reasons and it’s there all the same._

She feels that tight constricting thing that happens in her throat when she thinks of Ansley for too long, it’s almost been a year and she still can’t think about her without wanting to cry. Because Ansley was the best person Fonnie had ever known, and then she was taken from her.

“Because Fonnie, life is messy, and you have to go through difficult, _impossible things_. Just so you can make it to the other side, a little broken, a little worse for wear but whole all the same.” That’s what her mom would have said because she always said weird greeting card-esque things like that now.

It was probably like eight in the morning or something, and she was sat cat-like at the kitchen counter playing solitaire in her pajamas. She couldn’t sleep last night. It always took her forever to get used to sleeping somewhere new.

She went to a sleepover with Ansley once and had such a hard time falling asleep she alphabetized their friend’s movie collection instead. She didn’t go on a lot of sleepovers after that, she would much rather stay home with her mom and watch someone build a bird house. For a long time Fonnie couldn’t figure out how to change the channel so she’d watch whatever was on and it was usually this weird mix of hour long infomercials and tutorials on building benches. 

Her mother padded into the open concept living room eyes bright digging through her purse. Her hair was pulled up in a tight bun, one that would have brought tears to Fonnie’s eyes, tears to anybody else’s eyes. But she was strong and did it so many times now she probably couldn’t feel anything anyways. She was decked out in a _save the whales_ t-shirt Ansley had bought her years ago and jean shorts that cut off at her knees.

It was weird seeing this side of her mother, she looked normal in pant suits, or blazers. This whole casual thing was really throwing her for a loop.

“Oh, hi honey, you’re awake.” She smiled approvingly at the sight of her youngest daughter, she placed a sloppy kiss on the top of her head. Fonnie didn’t swat her away like she’d wanted to because it’d been so long since her mother had been affectionate like this.

“Your father’s still asleep and he’ll probably spend all morning in bed. But that’s no reason we shouldn’t go out and do something, I started making an itinerary but then I could just imagine Ansley calling me a buzzkill.” She laughed throatily, her eyes dry in the way Fonnie’s never were when mentioning Ansley. They never really talked about her, just kind of pretended she was away and maybe she’d come back someday.

“We need to get food for the house and what not, so I figured we could head down to the Farmer’s Market. I know it’s not exactly worth writing home about, but it could still be exciting. Something new.” She smiles gently at her daughter in the way mothers did when they were happy and proud and ready to protect their kids from anything.  

“No that’s fine. I just need to change first.” Fonnie replied faintly as she gathered up the playing cards. Her mother wasn’t acting weird per say, just eerily happy. Or optimistic in that way you always were after you’ve made a New Year’s Resolution and swore this year would be different.  

Her mother never talked about Ansley’s death, but something changed after it happened, something was sacrificed. She’d never been calm, more of a PTO my kid-sold-more-trash-bags-than-yours kind of mom. But now she was just soft all over, her edges gone, and the aggressiveness replaced with something much more subdued.

“Of course, I’ll be in the car!” She hollered on her way out, sunglasses perched atop her head. They couldn’t exactly bring their own car on the plane with them, so they rented one for the summer. Once again Fonnie found herself questioning how they could even afford this vacation. They’d always been well off, but she never thought summer in Florida well off.

\--

 

When Fonnie rejoined her mother in the car she was beaming from ear to ear, looking at her daughter like she was something to be proud of. Or maybe it was more like it’d just been a really long time since she’d even _looked_ at her daughter.

“You okay mom?” Fonnie asked feeling a weird sort of resentment stir deep in her stomach, swirling and low.

“Of course, honey, I just love you so much. I can’t believe you’ll be a senior next year.” She says her eyes getting weepy and her voice high in that way it did when mother’s fawned over their children. Their only child.

“I love you too.” Fonnie says simply because she doesn’t know what to say to her mother. Doesn’t quite know how to respond. Feeling that same sense of urgency that filled her up and ticked like a bomb. Because she’d be graduating soon, and she still didn’t know how to tell her, that even now she still had no idea what she wanted to do with her life.

“Oh, look at me carrying on. I swore I’d never be one of those mothers, you know?” She chuckled good naturedly as she wiped at her eyes furiously. A certain sadness lingering deep in her eyes as she looked at her child, the one who looked so much like the one she’d lost but completely different at the same time.

“It’s okay mom. I get it.” Fonnie said trying to be reassuring, trying to look like Ansley did when she was promising good things. When there was no certainty, and anything was possible because she knew, because she always knew it wasn’t over until it was over. But Fonnie had no clue what to say to her, after all this time she still had no idea what to say. No way to apologize for being the daughter that lived. When she knew things would have been so much easier if it was Ansley here instead because she healed people. Lifted them up and made them better.

“I was glad you wanted to come with me Fon, I had something I wanted to talk to you about.” Fonnie’s mom hesitated slightly. She couldn’t help but feel a sense of dread, truth be told it was never a good sign when someone started off a conversation that way.

“You´re father and I, we´re pretty well off but you know we couldn´t just quit our jobs for three months so a good chunk of time might be spent working but I thought you could go out and explore, and you know find some friends.” She’d supplied generously.

Fonnie’s parents had never really been super strict. They’d been a more of make the world yours, follow your own path kind of people. Which always boded well for Ansley because she could get away with anything. She once dyed a strip of her hair blue without telling anyone and didn’t get in trouble because she claimed it was artistic expression.

_This is great Fon, let’s make the world ours._

Ansley would have said, giddy at the prospect of setting the town on fire. Of making it hers.

But Fonnie felt sick, this vacation was a sham. She knew there was no way they could have afforded it, and that there had to be a catch. She should have looked one the bright side, but that wasn’t her. That’s what Ansley did, and she wasn’t Ansley. She couldn’t ever be Ansley, not in the way she knew her parents wished.

Not when she saw the way they looked at her sometimes. When she could see the sadness that sat deep in her parent’s chest and promised to consume them every time they looked at their child that survived.

“So, what, you dragged me all the way out here just so I would make some new friends? I could easily do that at home.” Fonnie says but she knows it’s a lie, knows it in the same way her mother does. Knows it when her eyes get softer like she’s sorry.

_Wow, mom’s laying it on a little thick Fon. But I think she’s right you’ve been like totally depressing._

Fonnie closes her eyes tightly, willing her voice to go away. _Not now._ She wants to say, but Ansley’s not here anymore, and she wouldn’t have listened anyways.

_Leave it to mom and dad to go to a completely different state just so you could make friends. Oh my god that’s hysterical._

Fonnie wants her to be gone, wants to tell her that she’s dead and she didn’t get to have an opinion anymore. She felt that dark bubbling feeling that worked its way up the notches of her spine when her thoughts spiraled out of control like this. When she hated what her sister had to say, when she had to remind herself that it wasn’t actually her sister. That it wouldn’t ever be her sister again.

“So, what you’re just going to let me roam a town I’ve never even been to before and I don’t know, hope I don’t get kidnapped?” Fonnie scoffs, angry. No, not angry, _pissed_.

“Now Fonnie it’s not like that.” Her mom insists sharply, but Fonnie scoffs in disbelief because it _really_ was like that.

“Just because I don’t have as many _friends_ as Ansley did doesn’t mean I am like socially impaired or something.” Fonnie bites out, as she crosses her arms over her chest defiantly. Does it because it’s something and she doesn’t feel in control at all. Doesn’t feel grounded or strapped in, instead like any minute gravity could stop working and she’d float away.

“No, I know that. I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings or imply that you weren’t as popular as Ansley, I am just worried about you. You’re so different now.” She recoils like she’s been physically slapped. She has that _I-want-what’s-best-for-you_ mom voice and it just makes her angrier. How could her parents think this was a good idea?

“Yeah, I am different because my twin sister _died_ , mom. She died, and I grabbed her, but I didn’t – I – I let go.” She chokes out, even looks at her hands like she’d been reaching for something. Like she blamed them for not being able to hold on.

Fonnie’s mom shakes her head, wanting to comfort her daughter but never knowing how. She’d always been the disciplinary parent, her husband playing the role of good cop. Tears prick at her eyes and she can’t settle on anything to say so she rests her hand on her daughter’s shoulder.

 _Good_ , Fonnie thinks. Feeling vindicated almost at the sight of her agape mother. _Good, because that’s what I’ve been dealing with and now you know. So, what are you going to do about it?_ She wants to ask but instead she looks away from her mother and out the window.

“Okay.” She says and Fonnie doesn’t turn to look at her, because she knows what she’d see. She’d see her mother smooth down her already flat hair, and she’d probably be breathing deeply. Repeating her infamous _breath and believe_ mantra.  “Let’s go get some groceries.” Her voice is much firmer now. More familiar.

_So, were just going to ignore that? Classic._

Ansley spits out from behind her, and Fonnie almost looks. Almost looks to see if her sisters really there. But she’s so tired of coming to that same conclusion, that she isn’t, that it’s all in her head. She sits in stony silence as her mother _finally_ pulls out of the driveway.

It’s a long drive, or maybe it just feels long because the only noise is the low murmur of pop music filtering in from the radio and the occasional robotic turn left in fifty miles. When they finally reach their destination, there isn’t any clear parking, so her mother just follows the onslaught of cars. She hadn’t realized how busy a farmer’s market would be. But she supposed she was used to the hustle and bustle of her small town. Things were different here. When she gets out of the car she rests her arms across the top of the door and just leans. Attempting to get a better look but it’s so hard to see because the sun is so bright here.

Many booths were sat atop a large expanse of wood, hovering precariously above a lake that spanned out for a long time only to be met by trees and large beach houses. Fonnie felt sick just looking at it, _you don’t have to touch it, you don’t have to touch it, you don’t have to –_

_Oh my god this is the cutest thing ever!_

And all of a sudden, she sees her sister, bright and vivid like always, running to the edge, always the edge. Only to lean over the railing in search of something that wouldn’t be there. When you’re dead you don’t get a reflection.

“Are you okay Fonnie? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” She’s thrown out of her reverie when she hears her mother’s voice, calm and not at all the same as it was when they’d been talking heatedly in the car.

“Of course, never better.” Fonnie says and forces one of those smiles that look so obviously fake.  Her mother just nods her head, not believing her, but not knowing what to say either. Instead she gives one of those dimpled cheek smiles she remembered so fondly about Ansley and pulls her sunglasses down to shield her eyes.

Fonnie shuts the door and follows closely behind her mother. Almost like one of those little kids that are thrusted into an unfamiliar situation and cling to the only normal thing they know. All of the booths were located beneath a large white canopy, which Fonnie found comfort in. It really was quite hot here.

“Hey, no need to hang around me, I am just going to be getting food. Boring stuff, but they sell other stuff you might find interesting.” Fonnie’s mother tell hers, thinking that she’s offering the girl some sort of relief. Like she wanted to be turned loose, when she actually had no problem following her mother during this monotonous chore.

“Great.” Fonnie mumbles a little tactlessly and takes a few wavering steps from her mother. She chances a look back only to get two thumbs up and encouraging nod. Fonnie can’t help but roll her eyes at this, did her mother really think she needed to socialize that badly?

_Duh, when’s the last time you actually talked to someone our age, or even left the house?_

Ansley voice is matter-o-fact this time, and Fonnie rolls her eyes at this too. Why was everyone around her so intent on pushing her outside of her comfort zone. Of course, it was really only her mom, but it kind of felt like Ansley was doing it too. Despite the absurdity that followed that logic.

“Hey!” She wipes around at the low tenor of a male’s voice. She’s greeted by an overtly tanned boy -  or maybe his skin was just caramel colored she wasn’t entirely sure – who has dark shaggy locks with curls that reach the top of his eyebrows. When Fonnie points at herself dumbly, cheeks ablaze, he nods indulgently like he’s talking to a small child.

“Toss it back.” He says simply, and Fonnie furrows her eyebrows in confusion, almost like she hadn’t heard him properly before she follows his gaze resting on a football inches from her feet. She wasn’t entirely sure how she hadn’t noticed it before. Blanching at the idea of throwing something in front of any sort of stranger she picks it up and slowly walks it over to the boy. He’s wearing an impatient smile and rolls his eyes at her jerky movements.

“Okay, thanks then.” He shrugs accepting the ball whilst running a hand through his already messy hair. _How typical_ , she thinks.

_Ooh Fonnie this one is cute. You don’t find boys like these in Iowa._

Which Fonnie of course rolls her eyes at and forces herself to keep her eyes trained on the teenager in front of her, there was nobody beside her. She had to keep telling herself that. _Had to_.

“Are we done?” He asks petulantly, eager to get back to his friends which were huddled in a mass giggling at the other. Almost as if they were school girls. Fonnie feels her cheeks heat up furiously and she nods impishly, because she really didn’t have anything else to say.

 _Nooo!_ She can hear Ansley melodramatically call from beside her as she fixates on his retreating figure. _Never will we find a specimen quite as perfect as him ever again._

 _You’re fine_ , Fonnie wants to say, wants to remind her that he was one boy out of seven billion. But then she has to tell herself that Ansley wasn’t there in the first place, that she didn’t have to tell her anything, didn’t have to reassure her because there was nothing to reassure. Instead she numbly walks over to the edge of the dock and stares blankly into the lake.

Fonnie wasn’t sure what she was expecting to see, she wasn’t expecting her reflection though. She felt the queasy ache in her stomach as she looked into such a familiar body of water. Fonnie’s parents didn’t know about her paralyzing fear of water. Nobody knew, she was careful not to tell anyone because then they’d tell her she’d need help. The same way they would if they knew she could still hear Ansley’s voice.

She wants to leave, wants to go look for that interesting trinket her mother promised was amongst the vendors but can only look and think about drowning. She can almost feel the burn, can almost feel the water enclosing around her, _smothering_ her.

_Why are you doing this to yourself Fonnie?_

This time she feels the pressure that accompanies Ansley’s embrace, feels the way her sister presses love into her body. Tracing imaginary shapes along her spine comfortingly, bringing about a certain sort of peace. That sick feeling is back and she closes her eyes tightly, _she’s not here, she’s not here, she’s not here._

 

 


	5. chapter four

**Chapter Four**

**Alone or not you gotta walk forward.**

**May 2018**

 

When Fonnie was little she was terrified of daycare, especially when her parents first started dropping the two girls off. She thought they’d never come back for her. So, in all her five-year-old glory she’d scream, with a face screwed up in rage only she could know. As a result, the daycare workers probably assumed she was _very_ prone to tantrums. Even Ansley could barely coax a few words out of her younger sister.

Ansley however was quick to make friends with the other kids, everyone wanted to play with her. They flocked to her in the way little kids always flocked to things that were new and interesting.  Never one to be bashful Ansley reveled in the attention. She didn’t care one way or the other if her parents were coming to get her. No, it was more like she knew she didn’t need to worry, that no matter how far away they went they’d always come back.

_They’ll come to get me, Fon. I promise, and I won’t go with them unless you’re with me._

“Hey, I got what I needed you ready to go?” Once again, her mother had startled her from her thoughts. Her voice is light and airy, but her face easily scrunches together in worry when she finds her child staring unblinkingly into an unstirring mass of water. When she doesn’t immediately respond she sighs and repeats her name.

Abruptly almost Fonnie breaks her staring contest with the lake and shoves past her mother, which was rare for the girl. She wasn’t ever openly hostile, or at least she wasn’t openly hostile often. Especially to her mother. Fonnie’s mom had stared after her daughter blinking almost rapidly in an attempt to gauge what had just happened. At once a quick fury bubbled inside her chest, and she urged it away. Urged it away because this was her daughter and she was dealing with so much and she just wanted to help.

“Alright, because you’re a good kid and I know you probably didn’t mean that I am going to let that slide.” Fonnie’s mom says once she’s managed to put all of her groceries, along with her tote bag of a purse in the back seat of the car.

“I am sorry mom I am just going through things. You know teen-angst, woe is me kind of thing.” Fonnie sighs in jest almost, she wished she could tell her mom what she was really feeling. She wished she didn’t feel these weird sporadic moments of hatred. Suddenly she sees that boy, the one with the football and she sees his friends. How carefree they looked, how they didn’t have that constantly sorry, or in search of something look. Because they weren’t looking for anything, they weren’t burdened. They were just teenagers throwing a football.   

“Don’t make a habit of it.” Fonnie’s mother says exerting her authority and mom voice, something she didn’t do often. Something that no longer felt familiar, especially with Ansley gone. But like that her face morphs into something softer. “Did you find anything interesting?”

“Not really.” Fonnie shrugs, not looking at her mom. She doesn’t want to tell her that she didn’t find anything interesting because she didn’t _look_ for anything. She just stood there feeling aloof and out of place.

“Well, that’s too bad. Maybe next time, they swap out vendors every few weeks and they always have new stuff.” She says optimistically as they pull out of the crowded patch of grass that was home to many parked cars. It was around ten-thirty and if Fonnie thought it was busy at eight this morning she was sorely mistaken. That was nothing compared to the mass of cars fighting for parking spots now.

“You know I actually talked to this woman, her name was Joy, and well she was really very sweet. Sold the loveliest looking pies and I mean that’s very beside the point but she has a son, probably about your age actually and he works up at the local water park with his friends and well this really is great news honey, but they’re hiring!” Fonnie’s mom says excitedly as she fix’s the rearview mirror, her glasses have now resumed their usual position on top of her head.

“Why is that great news?” Fonnie asks not entirely getting the point.

“Well I thought you could work there!” She exclaims as if it were obvious. It takes a moment for Fonnie to process this and when she does she laughs. A full-blown laugh that hadn’t been extracted from her since before Ansley died. And when she realizes her mother is serious she feels her stomach lurch nauseatingly.

“What do you mean? I thought this was a vacation.” Fonnie points out her voice taking that hard edge of defensiveness it usually did when she didn’t agree with something her mother was saying.

“It’s a great way for you to make new friends and well you could always use some extra spending money, right? It’d be a great first job, and on days the pools are closed you can get in for free and I know you’ll probably want to go swimming a lot since it really is very hot here.” Fonnie’s mom says good naturedly, attempting to sell her less than enthusiastic daughter on the idea.

_She doesn’t know, she doesn’t –_

“I don’t think that’s a great idea. I don’t really want to meet anyone.” Fonnie says in a half-hearted attempt to save face. There was no way she could work at a water park, she couldn’t do it. She could take showers but that was about it, and she figured it’d be a little hard to work at a _water_ park when she couldn’t even get in the water.

_Dude Fonnie you could meet so many hot guys, ugh, shirtless hot guys._

_You have a boyfriend._ Fonnie wants to bite back at her but can’t because it isn’t her, it’s not and now she’s getting distracted. Because she’s thinking about Ansley again and everything always comes back to Ansley eventually.

“Now Fonnie you can’t stay cooped up in the house, you’re a teenager you need to get out there and explore the world. Somedays we’ll be pretty busy, and your father and I are a little nervous about you leaving for college and all and it would really ease our nerves if you’d just try.” She supplies, and Fonnie wants to scoff at her mother’s use of the word _we_. Her mother and father didn’t agree on anything anymore.

“I don’t want to.” Fonnie insists, she was never very good at imparting her will on other people. Not like Ansley, who could tell you something and make you think that’s what you’ve believed all along.

“Don’t you get lonely, Fonnie?” Her mother finally cracks her voice harsher than she means it to be, but she’s so frustrated. Frustrated because her daughter wasn’t trying anymore, and god it’d been a year almost. They had to move on, her life couldn’t be over yet. She was so young, and it was killing her to see her so isolated.

She’d always known that her two daughters were different, Ansley was social and had a knack for pleasing other people. Fonnie was much quieter but she figured she’d grow out of it, or at least it wouldn’t matter because she had Ansley.

“I mean sometimes, but _really_ I am fine.” Fonnie insists looking everywhere but nowhere at the same time. She doesn’t want her mom to be right. Instead she stares at the unblinking pavement in front of her that probably stretches on for forever.

“Please, Fonnie, you aren’t even trying.” She says softly, and Fonnie finally looks at her. She knew her mother really did only want good things for her, but she was so pushy. She just pushed and pushed and pushed.

“Okay. I’ll go and try and get an interview.” Fonnie finally settles, and her mother sees the words for what they are. A peace offering. Just because Fonnie said she’d try and get an interview didn’t mean she’d try and get the job.

_Ooh, crafty._

Ansley would have said, she would have told her she was being sneaky. She would have gasped and asked where the Fonnie she knew was. _She died with you._ Fonnie wants to say but she’s so tired, she’s tired of thinking of that horrible day and she’s tired of missing someone she won’t ever get back. She just wants one day where she didn’t have to think about anything. Five minutes even.

“Oh perfect! Fonnie this is going to be a good summer. I promise you.” Fonnie’s mom says like she really means it, like there’s no way it could be anything but. That’s the hardest part for Fonnie. Her mom thought this whole thing was going to help her, that she was doing Fonnie a favor. As if she was reaching down in the abyss and pulling her up with her bare hands, as if she were strong enough for that.

“The day’s still young Fon, I want you to go out and do something, okay? And I want you to take your father. He’s been inside entirely too long, and I am pretty sure he’s Vitamin D deficient by now.”  Fonnie’s mom tries to joke as she pulls into the driveway of their new abode. Her attempt at comedy is met by silence and a half-hearted smile from her daughter. Because her mother did look quite pitiful and it was _something._

\--

“You always do this, you say you’re going to try, you say things are going to be different, but they aren’t!” Fonnie’s mother was shrill at this point, her face red as she pointed accusingly at her husband, the man she swore to love forever. Where she is angry and fuming, he is calm, like an ocean with no waves.  Nothing to disrupt the stillness. Almost as if he’s not hearing a thing she says, almost as if he’s stopped listening.  

“Helen, I told you I can’t. I told you I’d try, and I am, but I can’t do it. Not today.” He says simply like he’s told her a million times, like he’d tell her a million more.

“Grow up, Nate. You’re not trying, not even a little bit. It’s two blocks away, two blocks away and you won’t even take your _daughter_. Don’t do it for me, god, do it for her.” She’s angry, livid, but she’s also sad. Deeply, and by the time she’s done she is in tears and her dad’s not even looking at her. Maybe because he doesn’t want to see the hurt he caused, or maybe he’s crying too. Fonnie doesn’t want to know and she doesn’t want to stay to find out.

Instead she pushes the screen door open and she’s not worried about being quiet, not worried that she slams it. Slams it as hard as she can because she can’t do anything else. Because for once she wants to make some noise, wants to say _I’m here._  In this moment, this fleeting moment she decides she doesn’t very well care about the consequences of leaving without telling her mom or slamming the door. This is what her mother wanted after all. For her to go out and find herself.

_Good, get angry._

Ansley says, and it fuels her anger more than it probably should have. She walks the two blocks to the shaved ice truck that her mother asked, no begged her father to take her. She’s fuming, and her hands are shoved firmly into her pockets and she wants someone to hear her. Wants someone somewhere to _finally_ hear her.

But there isn’t an empty cornfield to scream in and there isn’t anywhere to let it out, so she keeps taking long angry steps. Imagining everything she wants to say to her parents, and then she imagines actually saying it.

All at once Fonnie is overwhelmed with how quickly her anger dissipates, how quickly it’s gone, and nothing replaces that feeling. And all of a sudden, she is completely empty, and her body literally sags at the realization.

Her furious walking has now come to a complete halt and she’s looking around her at this unfamiliar place, wondering how exactly she’d gotten there. How they’d all ended up at this weird standstill where nobody could move on and everyone just really sucked at pretending that they had.

_Aren’t you lonely, Fonnie?_

Her mother’s words resonate and _yeah,_ she does feel very lonely. Because she’s walking to get shaved ice all by herself because her father can’t even stand the sight of her anymore. She has no friends back home, which god she didn’t ever care about that, but she didn’t have her sister either.

How is she supposed to be okay? How did her mom expect her to move on like it didn’t even happen? Like she hadn’t been thrusted into the water too, like she hadn’t watched her sister sink, like she hadn’t been able to do anything because you can’t dive in life jackets, you can only struggle. And so that’s what she does. She struggles, and no one tells her it’s okay. No one tells her that and she wished for once they might.

What can she do though? She refuses to walk home, refuses to be boiled alive by their hate. She doesn’t know where else to go, she slowly she begins walking. One foot in front of the other, she lets her feet lead her for once not caring where she ends up.

_Good, let the world guide you. It has a funny way of working things out._

Ansley would be beaming, would follow her sister anywhere. Because she believed in all of that fate crap, she believed everything happened for a reason and that you ended up where you ended up. Not by accident, because something somewhere knew what they were doing.

Fonnie feels stupid when she ends up at the little booth that sells shaved ice, because yeah it was technically her destination, but she would have thought maybe fate would have guided her somewhere a little _nicer_. Which is not to hate on the little establishment they had going but tucked away in a gravel parking lot a little too far north to be in the center of town wasn’t all that impressive. Especially because stray cups and straws littered the ground and there was also a weirdly painted hot pink bench, that was very sticky and very _occupied._

Who knew a small little stand on wheels would be so popular, but people were milling about in all sorts of stages of undress. Right at home, in the large open space strategically located behind a few dumpsters and a small Chinese restaurant.

Fonnie had never had shaved ice before, surprisingly it wasn’t very high demand in her small home town. She didn’t even know what it really was. There was a line, so she had time to read the large menu written entirely in dry erase marker. She must have been looking woefully confused because some girl with ebony skin waltzed over, a smile etched into her face. Almost as if it belonged there permanently, offering it to the world. Fonnie felt a pang in her chest as she thought of the only other person who could smile like that.

“Hiya, you’re looking a little overwhelmed, could I recommend something for you perhaps?” Her voice is soft, and surprisingly comforting. She’s friendly in that way that make you want to know someone, that makes you want them to like you. She’s clad in a blue t-shirt with the word staff written across the back and a small logo on the front, she is wearing a pair of denim shorts and has a pair of sunglasses hidden almost in her unruly curls.

“That would be great, I’ve never really had shaved ice before.” She omits, and the girl smiles again, smiles like she knew this beforehand. Fonnie found herself beaming in response, her foul mood something of the past. Call it weird and desperate but she _wanted_ her advice, wanted her to keep smiling like that.

“Le gasp! How could you have never had shaved ice, a Floridian delicacy?” She hears the low tremor of a boy’s voice, loud, as he feigns surprise. Suddenly popping up behind the girl is a rather tall boy. Who is decidedly shirtless and has a small strip of white sunscreen colored onto his nose. His hair is a violent mass of curls on top of his head, but they’re pushed out of his eyes. Which could only be described as goofy and mirthful. He looked vaguely familiar but Fonnie didn’t know why, she’d certainly never met anyone like him before.

“Ashton hush it, she probably isn’t from here.” Her voice takes on a dangerous undertone of warning, and the boy who must be Ashton only rolls his eyes as if he isn’t surprised. When she turns back to Fonnie she’s all smiles again almost as if the thunderous look she’d given Ashton hadn’t even happened. “I’m sorry about loud mouth over here, my name is Hollyn, but you can just call me Holly.” She says as she tucks a mass of hair behind her ear.

“Oh, I’m Fonnie.” She introduces herself, only vaguely aware of the dwindling line in front of her.

“Fonnie, what kind of name is –“ Ashton started but Hollyn already has her hand firmly clapped over his mouth in effort to stop the deep projection of his voice. All he needs is one look and he’s quiet again, the two seem as if they’re speaking solely in facial expressions. She used to be able to do that with Ansley once upon a time.

“Fonnie, that’s a very pretty name. I thought I was the only person inhabiting the strange name club, but at least mine can be shortened to Holly.” She says, her voice warm and airy as she shows decidedly perfectly white teeth. Fonnie doesn’t point out that her name could be shortened to Fon, and really wasn’t all that uncommon. Sure, the spelling was weird, but she couldn’t be the only person out there with that name.

Instead she’s ushered forward by whoever is taking down orders, and her face is flushed pink. Maybe from the sun, maybe from meeting two people so animated. Nobody talked to her like this anymore, they’d say something and then they’d get that look. As if they remembered they were talking to the girl with the dead sister. Not these two, they didn’t know about her baggage.

“Alright, she’ll take the silver fox.” Hollyn states for Fonnie, and she didn’t even mind. She more grateful that she didn’t have to choose randomly from the long list of names that meant nothing to her.

“What, the silver fox? That’s so boring. She should get something interesting like the twister!” Ashton protests, and the server looks from the two unsure.

“We have to ease her in doofus.” She bites back, and Ashton only rolls his eyes and crosses his arms like a pouting toddler.

Fonnie stays very quiet as she lets Hollyn order for her. In a few moments she’s produced with a large Styrofoam cup filled to the brim with what seems to be just ice. As they walk a few steps away, so the line can continue the two strangers watch her expectantly.

“Do you drink it, what do you – I’m a little… uh.” Fonnie says nervously, along with her cup she’d been presented with a straw and no instructions. Ashton blatantly laughs at the girls naivety but an elbow to the gut has him silenced almost immediately.

“I usually use the straw, it’s got a scoopy thing on the end of it, as a spoon.” Hollyn says helpfully. Fonnie nods and albeit not very gracefully takes a bite. She wasn’t really sure what she was expecting, it’s cold and very vanilla. At least it wasn’t plain ice.

“Thoughts?” Ashton asks expectantly now that he’s no longer doubled over.

“It’s good…” Fonnie says because she has no idea what she’s supposed to say and these strangers just bought her shaved ice and she didn’t have the heart to tell them it wasn’t all that great.

“Perfect! We knew you’d love it.” Hollyn beams, if she senses the girl is lying to her she doesn’t say anything. Only has that smile carefully placed.

“Hey Holly, our break ends in ten minutes we’d better get back.” Ashton chimes in from behind her as he checks the watch placed on his wrist. After a few parting words, and a salute from Ashton the two strangers are gone.

Her world seems much quieter as she takes a look around her, most people are middle aged or they’re wrangling children and no one is looking at her.

 

 

 


End file.
